Lost and Vague As in Vegas
by ashatanii
Summary: Fisk takes the team to Los Vegas to solve a murder in Times Square. Silly.


Bobby Blue is found strangled in the New York Streetscape of that famous hotel in Las Vegas that contains a miniture version of Times Square. Because it is _officially _New York jurisdiction the 8th homicide squad is called out to handle the investigation. Fisk takes his wife, the whole squad and their partners. Jim get's to bring Hank _and_ Christie because Karen had no one to bring. :-( Bobby Blue has been strangled by a feather boa.

The Las Vegas town water supply has been tainted with a shipment of coke some dealer dumped in the lake last year -trying to hide the evidence from the police -so if things go a little wacky from here, well, it's not the detectives fault; they were under the influence.

After a suggestion from Marty the guys all decide the killer is most likely one of the strip show girls and decide their first line of investigation will take them from strip show to strip show, starting with the new "Walk like an Egyptian" show at the Luxor and looking for clues in the girls' costumes. After ten minutes Karen gets bored as there are no guys in the show, and decides to take Christie, Tom's girlfriend Jacki, Marty's wife Elise and Gary's wife, Louise, who is a petite little thing, size 6 and no more than 5 feet tall, out to hunt down the killer.

Christie suggests they match the feather boa used as a murder weapon to a shop and then look at the video tapes of everyone who bought a lime green boa. So, the three girls comb every shop in Las Vegas, and pick up some great bargains on the way. They do every female shop, find great shoes, cocktail dresses and Christie finds a whole new wardrobe for work. Elise buys a frock and shoes to match. Karen picks out a great orange leather mini skirt to go with a jacket she has. Louise chooses, some fabulous day dresses and an evening suit that will be great for the next detectives convention. She also buys several pairs of shoes, really too big for her but she says she likes them. Tom's girlfriend buys mostly intimate apparel, and a faux fur coat. But, they find no shop that sells lime green boas.

Then Louise, suggests the drag queen shops, of which there are many, but they can't figure out how to get in there without looking obvious – all being girls. Karen also pulls her aside to question her. "Louise, what made you think of drag queen shops? This is great. " She mumbles something about an aunt and is saved by a call from her husband, Gary Fisk.

Karen decides she should report in and grabs the phone from Louise, catching the end of the last thing he was saying to his wife, "…some stockings to match, make sure they are extra extra large this time."

"Ah, Boss, this is Karen?" She fills him in.

"Well done for eliminating the girls shops. We're still looking at this from the strip girls angle as the most likely suspects, you are welcome to join us if you want?"

"Ah, no, I guess the four of you should be plenty, after all, how many show girls can there be?" Karen rolls her eyes, besides which someone has to do some real police work, not just go ogling eye candy, she adds silently.

Out on the street it is getting very hot and the girls decide to each have some more of that great Las Vegas water to see if that jogs their mind. They order up a stretch limousine and drive around looking for drag queen shops.

Meanwhile, back and "The Ranch" cowgirl show, Jim gets a little fed up when the descriptions from the guys turn to drool and gaga sounds. Mooing girls just don't do it for him without the accompanying visuals. Thinking outside the square, which is his specialty, he has put in a request to frisk every one of the showgirls for weapons and boas and while the LVPD is processing this request Hank tells him he really really needs to go for a walk. Once outside Jim finds Hank a nice park and then goes looking for a drink; it is really very hot in Las Vegas. I'm sure Hoosier and the others will understand.

Meanwhile the girls, happen to be driving past the hotel to drop off their latest load of shopping and spot Jim and Hank on the street. The girls decide they need a guy if they are to get into a drag queen shop and they know Jim is way too manly to ever agree to that – if he knows what is going on. So, with Christie and Karen remaining silent they lure him into the car by offering him a cold drink of water. While sitting in the back seat of the giant limo, surrounded by ladies who are nice to him and sipping coke filtered town water supply from an imported bottle Jim, decides this is much better than the peep show that was next on the boy's agenda.

Tom's girlfriend Jacki, whom Jim has never met, snuggles in close, replacing the imported water bottle filled with coke tainted town water supply each time he finishes.

Karen, disguising her voice by raising it to a new squeaky level and calling herself Cool Kisser, suggests they take him to "Liberace Lives Again" a great retro clothes shop for men, where the coke in the water is even stronger than the mains supply, oh and their ad suggests they have feather boas. Jim has a hunch these girls are somehow relevant to the crime maybe these are the show girls that killed the DOA. If he goes along with them he might at least solve the case. On the other hand he is keen to get back to the show and see if his "OK to Frisk" has come through yet. He sits in the back of the car with Hank, undecided until one of the girls, who only talks in whispers (therefore effectively disguising her voice) suggests he looks hot in his suit tie and begins to undo his tie. Wondering where Christie is right now, Jim justifies going along as doing undercover work. Christie cops a feel of his biceps while helping him remove his suit jacket and plans a long night when they get back to the hotel. So Jim, doesn't fight it, he figures, with the guys back at the shows, the girls probably out shopping, someone had better be on the job looking for the killer.

At "Liberace Lives Again" the girls divest him of his dark blue shirt, shiny back shoes and charcoal grey suit, which Christie carefully hangs and sets aside – after all she wouldn't want him looking crumpled when they let him get back to work. Christie then dons a chorus girl outfit and pretends to be a shop assistant with laryngitis.

"You remind me of someone back home."

Christies eyes are wide with fear – what will Jim do if he finds out she's deceiving him? "Oh, really who?"

But Jim, a high flyer in the art of avoiding questions, diverts her attention by questioning her on her taste in feather boas, and brushing his hand past her sequined costume bodice, seeking feathers of course.

Always on the job, his mind seeking the next discrepancy, the next clue… his hands notice the line of ostrich feathers, rising over her costumed bottom. And his nose brushes a silk bodice on its quest for a boa. When he accidentally nudges her naked neck, again seeking evidence of a feather boa only, she jumps back and he apologizes, looking innocent "I'm sorry, was I clumsy?" Christie disapproves of his moves on this supposed shop assistant and gives him a nasty glare. He sits and smiles innocently hoping for more.

She looks to Karen for support. Karen nods. Time to teach Mr. Clumsy a lesson. "You sit tight in here for a minute sir, we'll be right back with some more girls to help you dress." she squeaks

The girl all change into shop assistant/chorus girl/stripper costumes and, now tanked on LV water, use him like a Ken Doll and dress him in a range of costumes, starting with a cowboy outfit, but he get's a sad look when they give him a holster with toy guns. The construction worker outfit is next and they all coo over Jim when he flexes his arm and the tightly rolled short sleeve threatens to tear, pulling that costume off him while the girls look for another, she sneaks back to the sales counter, puts it on her credit card and organizes for it to me posted back home. Next they try Liberace costumes, finally deciding on a wonderful white number with full sequins and – you guessed it – a lime green feather boa. They replace his neat dark glasses with giant lime green ones with diamantes and lightly tinted green lenses with a holographic overlay of naked women. Hank snores from his spot snuggled in the discarded costumes and the girls feel sorry he has been left out. Hank get's a pair of angel wings that slip easily under his harness without getting too much in the way - in white to match Jim's costume. Some flouro gel in his fur and he's ready to stick a fork in, as Gary would say.

They finish putting just a little more gel in Jim's hair, to give him that Elvis stand up fringe and add some lime green highlights, when a gorgeous 20 something young man stalks into the same shop.

He is so beautiful that the girls forget Jim and their mission to find the source of the lime green boa, and descend upon the young man to help him choose his outfit for the play he is in next week. As Jim leaves the room he hears the young man pout, "but I needed another lime green boa – I lost my last one."

Jim finally get's to the service desk, where he gives the NYPD's credit card over and in exchange gets to question the counter assistant; a young gay man who is drooling over Jim and is happy to tell him all about the young men who purchases boa's over the last week. Jim is pumped on getting the information he needs to solve the case and his enthusiasm is mistaken by the young man for another kind. So, Jim also get's a nice kiss on the cheek and the young man hands him a sheet of paper. "Here are all the details you need." Jim is impressed, see, he doesn't need Karen to make notes for him.

He calls ahead to Tom and get's the address of the last show on the strip where the boys have been led in their investigation. Walking in he get's mistaken for the last act and he and Hank walk out on stage to thunderous applause. Going with the moment he sings a Peter Allen favorite, doing great with the gestures, expressions and the music loud enough to drown out his singing. Suddenly, the lights flicker, Oh no, another of those LV electricity quirks that seem to only affect the sound engineer's desks. The vocals on the track are replaced by the mikes picking up Jim's own voice and his off key version is blasted around the room.

Guests start throwing boos, rotten tomatoes, blamange from the buffet and – oh, some underwear and cat calls- at Jim. Who has to be saved by Tom and Marty running up on stage, grabbing him and bringing him back down to the floor where he is again in obscurity, albeit in a Liberace costume with a green flouro'd guide dog.

Fisk, Marty and Tom welcome Jim back with open arms, slaps on the back and lewd comments. They have just about finished serving the "warrants to investigate costume and contents" which is apparently the LV equivalent to a "New York OK to Frisk" and have only one show girl left. Jim was just in time and they tell him they saved the best 'til last.

Jim was worried for a minute there that they might be punking him. That he'd be playing the crying game in a minute but when the frisk was done Jim emerged unharmed. The girl emerged smiling a little dazed and Jim had another little note slipped into his hand. Oh, and she had no concealed weapons. Or boas.

The girls show up and since the department is paying for the trip Fisk shouts them the penthouse suite. It has 5 individual bedrooms and a joining spa, lounges, cinema and a gay butler who hangs around Jim constantly and whom Karen can't seem to keep her eyes off. Hank wants badly to snarl at the butler but he's in harness and being good. The moment Jim unbuckles him and sends him off to "just be a regular dog, Hank." He begins stalking the man who is trying to hunt his boss.

The ten New Yorkers can't agree on what to do next. The boys are all for dinner and a show on the giant screen in the movie room, the girls want bubble baths in the spa and so, compromising, they end up in the spa, (sans bubbles) with a banquet being served by the butler. The man misreads Karen's interest in him and whispers to her, "No go sweetie - you and I, we bat for the same team, we're after the same cookie, are angling for a piece of the same pie, know what I mean? And I can get him off that witch far easier than you can- you've had all night to steal him and you haven't managed."

When Karen narrows her eyes at him, trying to place the voice and the face, he again mistakes it, this time for a declaration of competition.

Karen moves over to Jim and begins discussing the case quietly, looking every now and then at the butler, who seems to be always finding an excuse to kneel in front of Jim and offer him a tidbit from a sparkling tray. "Well, Karen, you'll have to try harder to remember who this guy reminds you of and what you might suspect him of, because right now, what can we do, arrest him for looking like someone you think you should remember?"

Christie and Karen looked past him at each other. Time to bring him down of his high horse.

Stripped of his Liberace costume and after being dunked by Christie and Karen under the spa, Jim no longer looks like an ad for Gay Q. This and the fact that there is a large German Sheppard with a green flouro Mohawk and white fluffy angel wings stalking him, finally dissuade the butler from making any further advances on the Blonde Dude and he stalks off, abandoning his butler duties.

The girls and guys discuss their day and while Louise is describing their shopping trip Karen remembers the oversized stilettos and stockings.

"Louise, you never did get around to telling more about your aunt with the size 13 feet and her stilettos."

Lieutenant Fisk, returning from a trip to the bar for some more of that fabulous LV water, brings the rabble to order.

"Alright enough about that have you detectives solved the murder? Or are we just here to have fun and pick on Jim?"

Everyone goes quiet.

"Well, I have the name of our killer her in my pocket. Hank – get the paper form my pocket."

Hank turns into super dog, leaves the room and returns with a sheaf of papers and cards. He drops them in Jim's outstretched hand. "Good boy Hank."

"Now read them to me." He holds them in front on Hank's face.

They all stare. "Only joking – here you do it." Jim laughs at his own joke and hands the papers to Karen.

"Jimmy Buffet, Gary Go Go. Don Johnson. mmm, these are all names and number of men? Where did they come from?"

Jim grabs the papers, from her, a blush rising in his cheeks, "No not those, this one," he opens a larger sheet. "This is the list of men who bought green boas last week."

"You really want me to read this out? With the guys all here?" Jim gestures for her to just get on with it. Karen reads straight from the sheet. "So, nice to meet you Jimmy dear, you have such a tight ass I'd like … blahblah blah… come back soon, my number is …"

Jim grabs it from her again, "No, he said he wrote the names of the men who bought green boas? Hank phone."

Hank brought Jim his phone. "Now what's that number?"

"Yes, this is Detective Dunbar; I was in your shop earlier today? Asking about Green boas? …Yes, Franco, yes, I'm fine, … no, I can't see you tonight, no, … never…no don't go crying on me…look I need the names of the guys who bought the boas. Green ones, yes."

"Karen, write this down."

And Jim gave her numbers and names and managed to get out of the phone call without making an exact date but merely a promise to look the guy up next time he was in LV.

Marty had almost drowned himself laughing at Jim, and at Gary and Tom miming their version of Jim's encounter at the Drag Queen emporium. Jenny and Jacki were slightly embarrassed. A guy should not have to stoop so low to find a criminal. What was the world coming to? And wondered if their men had ever had to resort to something like this. After all they rarely talked about what happened under cover.

Fisk acted like this was completely normal and made sure he got the invoice Jim had taken from the store – for evidence. Jenny and Jacki were consuming bubbly in the far corner of the spa. Christie was possessively hanging on to Jim's arm and glaring at Marty who was mimicking the little dance her husband had to do to make the guy cooperate.

"So, the killer is either Jose Jesus or Jesus Jose, both of whom bought lime green boa's last week and both of whom rang up ordering replacements after the time of death." Fisk summed up the case so far.

"And, it is more likely that whoever did this crime of passion was sleeping with the DOA. So we only have to find out which of these two men was romantically involved with the now dead Liberace impersonator to find our man." Jim added, rubbing his hand along his bottom lip. Thinking through this LV water was proving quite a chore. He took another slug of coke laced tap water from his imported bottle.

Hank slipped off to lap from his bowl.

The detectives, wives and partners were all deep in thought, and hot water, when suddenly Liberace appeared – oh not, it was just the butler now wearing the Liberace costume, complete with Lime Green boa. He held a gun – pointed at Jim's head.

"Oh my God - You're the guy we played Ken Doll with after Jim at the Liberace's!" Karen finally makes the connection.

"Hey that's my Gun – put it back!" Marty cried.

The gun swung from Jim's head to where Marty was now standing in the spa. The Lieutenant, three detectives, their wives and lovers scrambled back to the other side of the spa as far away from the gun toting butler.

Jim sat still where he had been, blinking, Christie cringing behind him.

"You. I thought you were my Bobby, come back from the dead to be with me, but no, you are an impersonator, just like the rest."

"Is he punking me?"

"I don't think so baby, he's got Marty's big black gun pointed at you."

"And you, you don't deserve to touch him- witch! Away!" Christie moved away slowly, hands in the air – which you will know is very difficult if you've ever tried it in a spa.

Still undeterred in going after his perp, and buying a little time in case the perp was willing to use that gun, Jim smiled and asked sweetly, "So which one are you? Jesus Jose or Jose Jesus?"

"Ah, That Jose Jesus, he is the ruination of my life. He looks like me, he talks like me, he wants to be me! And this would never have happened if Bobby had not gone into that shop to buy me another green boa." The man cried but held the gun steady, aimed directly at Jim's blue eyes. "If only I had not lost my boa, and if only I had not heard him making love to that jerk in the shop. Once I realized how similar we looked I thought maybe my Bobby, who was - let's be honest, blind without his glasses- maybe Bobby thought he was me? But, no, I could not deceive myself any longer when I heard him cry out in his passion "Jose Jesus", instead of "Jesus Jose"! I ask you, what would you have done detective? What would you have done?" He sobbed, one hand stretched out to Jim in supplication, the other holding the gun steadily between Jim's wide blue eyes.

Jim's stunned silence, while he tried to straighten out this tangled weave in his mind, was taken as acquiescence and the crazed queen continued, "I can see it, you too, would have killed him, as I did with that very boa he had bought, bringing it to me sweetly saying he knew how sad I had been to lose mine…"

While Jesus had them all distracted with his long winded, confusing and slightly gross confession, Hank saw his chance, now freed of the identity constricting harness, Super Hank, with his belly to the ground, soft white wings raised above him, inched forward, upper lip raised, his scariest snarl was exhibited for all to see as he snuck inch by inch up behind the stinky man who had been eyeing his boss all evening. Then he launched, up, up in to the air, flying, tail straight behind like a rudder, claws extended for best ripping, teeth pre sharpened that day on a denta bone and – bam! he landed on his perp, took him down in one swoop, teeth at his throat , ready to rip him a new assh – um breathing tube.

The crowd at the end of the spa erupted - but one voice, calm in the midst of chaos, was clear above the others, "Hank. Stop."

Hank stopped. The voice, that magic voice that just made him turn to puppy and do what he was told, we all know how it is. He sat on the perp's back. Saliva dripping off his lolling tongue as he smiled his best innocent smile. Yes Boss? He looked at Jim with loving eyes as Jim stepped out of the spa.

Jim reached down and patted Hank. The sound of sobbing changed to a hopeful note as Jim ran his hand along the prone back up the long arm to a destitute sob as Jim found the gun and took it away. He held it out "Lost something, Marty?"

Marty sloshed over and took the gun from Jim's hand sheepishly, "Ah, Thanks."

Tom and Karen exchanged looks as Louise pulled some cuffs from her bathers and cuffed the perp. They were a large size and covered in some sort of fake fur that matched her husband's bathers.

Fisk ignored this. "Well done. Better get the paper work wrapped up and – oh, if you want to be part of the walk out, Jim – make sure the girls don't dress you this time."


End file.
